The Joys Of GST And Fig Farming

 

We're already into the second month of GST. The debate is still raging on with no signs of letting up. A day hardly passes without a pundit propagating new GST ideas or a stand-up trading GST jokes.

I can no longer sit on the sidelines and look on. It's time to weigh in with some thoughts and theories. So here we are, eight burning questions:

1. Recently Washington Post, Hindustan Times and WSJ proclaimed Malaysia the world's corruption champion, ahead of Indonesia. Does GST have anything to do with this?

What? No. GST and corruption are, semantically at least, as different as chalk and cheese. You don't have to be corrupt to have GST. And you don't have to have GST to be corrupt. Of course, you could be more corrupt if you had GST. And you could have more GST if you're more corrupt. If you run a nonparametric polynomial regression, you'd find that corruption and GST are statistically independent with a very low or even negative correlation coefficient. We're just starting on and you're already impressed with me.

GST isn't new and not created by Barisan Nasional as alleged by many conspiracy convicts. In fact its origins preceded the famous Daeng Chelak and his four Bugis brothers. GST as a concept dates back to the Ming or maybe Qing Dynasty in China, more than 2000 years ago, when King Ming or King Qing reigned and floated the novel idea of taxing his subjects' opium consumption to stem widespread addiction and finance the construction of the Great Wall. However this idea was rejected by all 1220 imperial eunuchs. It never took off until only 10 years ago when China introduced GST to support its addiction to LV bags and high-speed trains. There's already plan to increase GST to 25% to feed its addiction to GST.

In the case of China, more state officials were caught and shot for corruption in the period before GST, proof enough that GST and corruption are either unrelated or unfriended. I'm not suggesting that Malaysia use China as a model for anything. The use of guns and live bullets is certainly harsh.

2. Bersih, Perkasa, Gasak, Tibai, Tembak and other well-meaning NGOs have all accused the government of not allowing enough time for the businesses and the consumers to understand and prepare for GST. 

Is this a question or an answer? I'm not going to answer an answer. 

Let me repeat, GST isn't the brainchild of Barisan Nasional. First, you need brain to come up with brainchild. Second, although Malaysia is late in the GST arms race, the idea isn't exactly new. It's been on the back-burner since 1962, when our country wasn't under Barisan Nasional and Datok Senu was minister for something. There's no, or maybe less, corruption at the time because all projects were given to either JKR or LLN. None of the projects cost more than RM1 million and only one project was delayed longer than one day.

Since then, GST was deferred on the eve of every election. From 2000 to 2014 it's postponed every six  months (i.e 28 times). From January to March 2015 we had a GST dry run where Jaya Grocer was allowed to increase the prices. The idea was to allow both supermarkets and consumers to get the feel of GST. When GST kicked in on 1 April, supermarkets increased prices again based on actual GST (6%) and consumers weren't supposed to even look surprised.

Even with so much GST education and burning-in, most people are still confounded and dumbfounded (or just dumb). With no way out, they've started calling GST and hard-working ministers all sorts of nasty names to register their displeasure. This is unfair and ungrateful. Since this blog has been officially certified expletives-free, I won't get drawn into naming the nasty names for now. There's already an app and a video game you can install for free.

3. We're also aware that out of 6 million Chinese and non-Chinese registered businesses in Malaysia now,  94% pay only road tax. Can anybody conceivably escape GST?

GST is a tax on your consumption, not a tax on your legal, or illegal, income. You can only avoid GST if you're an anorexic, or a breatharian living on cosmic microfood. For the rest of us, the non-anorexic, GST is as sure as Subang Jaya traffic jams. You've to pay GST even if you scored all A in your college final year.

Before I forget, not all products or produce or services attract GST. Some products are so ugly and repulsive that they don't attract GST. As of this morning, 1767 products are either GST-exempt or zero rated, mostly vegetable and rare metals listed on the periodic table. Cooked or canned kangkong is deemed attractive, and attracts the 6%.

A smart consumer eats only raw rice and raw ice. He lives and breathes around the 1767 products, whose prices had actually been increased 100% well before GST. Clever is as clever does, so to speak.

4. Are Malaysia and Canada the only major economies with GST now?  

You're innumerate. And Canada, hahaha, you're funny. The number of countries in the world today is 200 or 202, depending on whether you recognize Palestine and Perlis as independent countries. 160 have imposed some kind of consumption tax under various names and guises. These countries include some that were already cruel even before GST, like Zimbabwe and Singapore. North Korea has deferred its GST until its population consume something.

Most countries have increased GST rates over the years to keep up with Norway. This was made possible by either changing the government or changing the population or both. Some countries that can't change their government or population, change the name from GST to VAT, then back to GST.

5. GST is fair, progressive and gentle. Why Malaysians are against it?

It's in the genes. People don't like to pay more. Actually people don't like to pay.

I'm not sure who's the pr consultant engaged by the government. Maybe the same guys who helped the Tourism Malaysia promote our country as a distress destination. There's been a lot of confusion, due mainly to miscommunication and conflicting statements. Like, the government announced that GST is good for the people. But 1767 products and services are GST-free. If it's good, then why so many goods are without GST? And why is GST only 6%, and not, say, 96%?

GST is Physics. You just don't understand. I bought a variety of spices (rempah) at Giant recently and was surprised to discover that rempah kari daging is GST-free, but rempah gulai nasi dagang has GST. It's only seven sen but you're still confused and up in arms. Is this a subtle attempt to derail hudud?

As we're all about to resign to an all-round price spikes, Ahmad Maslan dropped yet another bombshell when he declared that 329 products are cheaper with GST. When pressed for names of the products, he rambled on with veiled threats like how his mother could read Quran and so on. The ploy worked because nobody harried him further. Until the next day.

To be fair, car prices did come down. The cheapest Mercedes C-Class is now RM488,888. Before GST it's RM688,868. A hefty reduction of about RM 200K. Things is, I still can't afford it. Mercedes-mad Malay cronies are generally happy that the price hasn't only dropped but also retained all but one number 8.  

The timing of GST introduction couldn't be worse. April is a bad month for anything. And for GST, every month is a bad month, so April is doubly bad. All kinds of incoherent and impossible mumbo-jumbo seemed to bunch in in April, you know, things like government debt, government jet, crooked bridge, J Lo, Mongolian maid, and even the sultan or prince of Turkmenistan. Blame other countries if you must, but make sure it's the right country.

6. Every consumer is technically poorer because of GST. But who's hardest hit?

Let me remind you one more time that GST isn't a Barisan Nasional's idea.

The population pile hardest hit by GST are the unemployed, which include the retirees, which include me. Among the retirees, the hardest hit are those living off EPF savings, which again include, you guess again, me. Among the EPF-dependant retirees, the hardest hit are those who eat yoghurt, which again include, hahaha, me. In short, in the whole country, I'm the worst hit.

There's no mitigation for the ranks of retirees that I'm unfortunately part of. No recourse or remedy to moderate the impact. Those on government pension might get a hike if Cuepacs conmen managed to muscle in with yet another 100% salary increase plus automatic upgrading to Jusa C for all government employees, otherwise known as government servants. Don't fall for this slick "servant" misnomer. It's nothing more than a misdirection to get all of us to pity and defend this crowd. If you go to Immigration Department to legalise your illegal maid (or yourself), you'd know who's actually "servant" (hint: it's not your maid). 

7. Since GST won't go away because BN will rule for as long as there's daylight, how do we cope? 

Time to call forth your creative instincts.

Universiti Malaysia Pahang responded to GST by inventing an anti-hysteria kit. At RM8750 a set, it's devilishly cheap. This ghost-busting gear is fully portable like portable toilets used by Bangkok motorists. You can take it with you on supermarket rounds and should be handy when you see the new grocery prices. Incidentally UMP is also planning to penetrate the Bangkok motorists market, betting on the multi-tasking potential of the kits.

A couple of old but intrepid classmates responded by going into fig farming. Fig, not pig. But the way it's turned out, they might've been better off going the other way. I don't know the real economics of fig gigs, but it's nowhere near ketum or qat. But, seriously, I think this sad act of denial and deviation is emotional rather commercial. A fig tree is typically small and monotonous with little decorative or therapeutic value. It bears an average of two small fruits every ten or eleven years. You can easily get GST-free fresh or dried Lebanese figs at Mydin for RM 32 a kilo while making friends with the Nepalese cashiers.

But, of course, the joy of picking your own figs is without compare. Plus, fig trees have no history of violent reactions to your temper or pressure or abnormal sexual energy. So you're in complete control. 

I'm slowly adjusting to GST, which inevitably involves some unpleasant cultural changes. For example, I don't buy yoghurt now. Price of Marigold yoghurt was RM1.39 before 1MDB stashed the cash in Cayman Islands. It's RM1.95 now.  I'm not sure which mathematical model those people used to calculate GST and adjust the price. I don't have fig trees to vent my anger on, so I just stopped slurping yoghurt. I read somewhere that one gram of yoghurt breeds five billion friendly bacteria cultures that keep us healthy. Since I don't eat yoghurt, I now have only 1.5 billion cultures hanging around in my system. I'm less healthy and less cultured. I no longer listen to classical music, look at paintings, play the violin, attend operas. All in all, I'm less happy.

8. A friend said you've to change your lifestyle to cope with GST. Does this make sense?

Nothing gets more overrated and glorified than "lifestyle"? What's a lifestyle? Playing golf 23 hours a day?  Is watering figs a lifestyle?

I always tell my old classmates that I'm leading an action-packed lifestyle because I watch Tanyalah Ustaz early morning and run early evening. And read Arsene Wenger's football philosophy in between.  But whatever your lifestyle ideas are, it's worth revisiting your so-called interests, hobbies or plain habits now that GST is lurking at every turn. For starters, get rid of your pets. Talking to cats or dogs or fig trees won't change anything, certainly not your CGPA. Pets and vets are never GST-friendly.

Next for the axe is Astro. If you take out live EPL games,  Astro is TV2 in all but name. Why spend RM150 plus GST a month just to watch live football and lion-chasing-antelope reruns? Drive to kedai mamak. The screen is bigger and crowds livelier. The only downside of this high-life is that you might get high after watching Chelsea playing with 10 defenders, and run the risk of crashing into stray and free-running Myvis.

Just to sustain my hectic lifesyle, I'm taking glucosamine for my creaking knees and rosuvastatin (Crestor) to beat my cholesterol. Glucosamine is GST-free but not Crestor. I still can't figure out why. My knees are more important than my heart? I know the price increase is only RM8, but with this whole psychology and dynamic, and the tragic thought of Ahmad Maslan sardonically pocketing my money, how can I possibly go on with my life, or lifestyle.

I'm now mulling the next step: dump Crestor and buy a generic substitute, which is 50% cheaper. I'd be contributing less to Krygyzstan economy. I hope this generic statin isn't a placebo or a Nigerian hoax and is as good as Crestor. Otherwise, I might end up with the ultimate change of  lifestyle. You know what.

Did I get the country name right?